“You are so strong”

I’ve been told I’m strong many, many times in my life. It used to be something I strived for. I wanted to be strong, independent and get things done by myself. And I did, I faced a lot of struggles and problems by myself, I figured a lot of things out by myself and I’ve carried a lot of furniture up and down stairs on my own. 

Last year as I was working through therapy and crying every single day I told my therapist I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want my kids to grow and say “My mom did it all, she was so strong.” And see that as something to strive to be. I decided to be more open with my emotions, cry more when my kids could see, and name the emotions I was feeling so my children would have words for what they saw me going through. I didn’t want “strong” to be holding everything in, suffering in silence, not asking for help. It felt like I cried 15 years of tears I had not let come out those first months of 2024. I think most people in my life heard me cry over the phone or saw me cry in person. I heard Ruthie say in her podcast Zanta recently “Crying is a prayer.” And I thought about all the years I hadn’t prayed. 

Growing up I had two parents that could not handle my emotions, probably because they couldn’t handle their own. I learned that tears were not welcome as my parents could not hold space for them or comfort me. There was also very little expression of love and affection accepted by my parents. I was very angry as a preteen and teenager, I think it was the only way I knew how to express my emotions at the time. And then years later I chose a relationship with someone who didn’t like to see me cry. So I swallowed a lot of tears, I hid when I cried, I tried to be strong. 

I saw this interview with Iyanla Vanzant recently where she said that all our relationships are with ourselves. Whatever we need to learn in life the relationship will teach us. I really believe that. “You get the lesson until you learn the lesson.” So in my last long term relationship I learned a lot. I learned that I don’t always have to be strong. I learned that I want my children to see me as human. I learned that weak people do everything themselves and truly strong people ask for help. 

So when my children asked why I was so sad I told them that when their daddy and I split up I had not let myself be sad because I needed to get stuff done, work, move, kids, friendships, etc. I hadn’t taken time to grieve. I have learned how important grief is to move forward. To not grieve is to not let go. And no one had told me how to grieve that relationship. But when I started to grieve the relationship my friends showed up with so much support and wisdom. One of my friends reminded me that I am resilient. And I like that word better, it resonates more than “strong”. Two things can be true at the same time, I can be strong and resilient and I am pretty sure I am both. 

But I rather my children grow up looking back at their mother and say “She was honest, open and resilient.” then “She was strong and did everything by herself.” It is so important to consider what we show our kids about ourselves, they are always listening, they are always paying attention.