My Own birth

At the beginning of my life…

I was born in a hospital in a medium sized city in Sweden 41 years ago. I have heard stories of my birth through most of my life, but over time there has been new information added. When I expected my first child in 2005 I spoke to my mom about my own birth, as many of us do. My mom couldn't hide the disbelief on her face when I told her I was not planning on having an epidural. That's the only time I think my mom mentioned pain when she talked about my birth. She talked about my dad and their friend that was there and that I was in neonatal care for the first couple of days of my life. She talked about breastfeeding, overproduction of milk and selling milk to the hospital. She talked about how neonatal care was in a separate building so in the morning a kind of golf cart trolley picked all the moms up that had babies in neonatal care and took them there. She told me I had jaundice and had to be treated with UV lamps. And back then, in the early 80's mom and baby started in the hospital for a week. She shared a room with three other women, one who she stayed in touch with for many years afterwards. 

It wasn't until I expected my third child that my mom handed over some papers to me, she saves everything, from my birth. That's when I heard, for the first time ever, that my birth was a vacuum extraction and that I had had a scalp electrode on my head. I don't know why my mother didn't share this information with me until my third pregnancy. But when she told me about the vacuum extraction it was like everything finally made sense.

In 2010 when I was studying to become a Nurse I worked one summer in the delivery ward as an assistant nurse. One thing that always made me feel very uncomfortable was the vacuum extraction. I learned to handle it, but for me that was one of the worst things I had seen. Looking back, knowing that I was born with a vacuum extraction I wonder how much of my fear of the vacuum extraction actually comes from my own birth. In Hypnobirthing we speak about the conscious mind being the tip of the iceberg, and there, below the surface of the water is most of the iceberg which represents our subconscious mind. Some say we don't remember our own birth, others say we do but the memory is deep in our binds and in our bodies and before we had a language to retell the experience. I think this is interesting to think about, how we carry our experiences even from birth and prebirth in our minds and bodies. I also often wonder how that early separation from my parents affected me, and maybe still affects me to this day. The one thing that I knew and that gave me security and comfort was my mother, and all of a sudden I was separate from her and far away from her. What does that do to a newborn's mind? How many of my attachment issues with my parents begun here? 

My own birth is something I seldom think about.

Do you think about your birth? What do you know of your own birth?