The one that was missing - my third birth
My third birth was different in many ways from my previous two. It was the first pregnancy I went through with a partner by my side from day one. I had done my first two pregnancies alone, even though during my second pregnancy I was in a relationship with the father of my boys but he was still abroad until a week before my due date.
My third pregnancy began way before I got pregnant. I kept feeling there was someone missing. My now ex didn’t want more kids, he was very happy with the two we had he said (my daughter from a previous relationship and our son). But I kept feeling that there was someone missing and kept bringing it up. Finally he agreed to have another child and I was so happy. It took about eight months before I got pregnant but when I did I knew pretty early. I recognized the changes in my body way before I skipped my period. When I got my positive pregnancy test I told my partner I didn’t want to find out the gender this time. I hoped for a girl. We actually were so sure we were having a girl that we chose the name early on, Zora, and her middle name would be his mother’s isiXhosa name. I was so sure we were having a Zora. We talked about boy’s names but couldn’t settle on one.
With this third pregnancy I got very worried early on that it would end up in a c-section like my second birth. I was worried that the staff wouldn't respect me, I started reaching out to midwife friends for support. I wasn’t scared of birth, I trusted my body, I was just scared for the health care professionals treatment and another c-section. I wanted so much to have a vaginal birth, to share that powerful moment with my ex. I wanted him to see that power that I know is present at a birth. I felt we hadn’t gotten to share that during our first son’s birth. We decided to include our Doula Xana this time around as well, it felt like a good option for both of us. Xana had also learned Spinning Babies since my previous birth so she gave us homework to do.
Pregnancy went by. One month before my due date I was ready to give birth, I was done with pregnancy. The due date came and went. My 35th birthday came and went. And the baby stayed put. I tried so many things to kickstart labor: the birth drink, sex, acupressure, acupuncture, relaxation, raspberry leaf tea, walking, etc. I didn’t want to try a membrane sweep though because during my second pregnancy that ended up becoming what I thought were contractions but were not.
Week 42+0 I went into the hospital for a week 42 check. I went to the hospital where I worked, and was cared for by my coworker who I had gone to Nursing school with. When the doctor told me she wanted to induce me I said “Frida, I don’t want to give birth here.” She was surprised and said there is no space at any other hospital, so I said I want to go home. She said I need to do a sonogram to measure the amniotic fluid first. Once I was cleared I exited the building as fast as I could. They said I needed to come back the following day. That day I called Ystad. I always say that from the first phone call to when we left Ystad the friendliness I experienced was just amazing. They said I could come in at 13:00, but prepared me for the possibility of having to go home again.
So my elephant belly, my then partner and a baby car seat went on the train to Ystad in a snowstorm. We later found out that our train was the last train to come in that day before they shut down train traffic completely. We got to the hospital, they did a CTG and a sonogram to check the amniotic fluid. They said I should be induced. After a vaginal exam they decided since my cervix was already about 3 centimeters dilated, I had some mucus and spotting that morning, a balloon catheter wouldn’t make sense. Since I had a previous c-section they couldn’t use cytotec and wanted to avoid the pitocin drip so they suggested artificial rupture of the membranes. The midwife, who I now know was Charlotte, since I have worked with her afterwards, sat down and went through my birth preferences. She was pregnant herself at the time which felt so shocking when she told me her due date was only a few days away since I hadn't worked in over two months.
Pitocin drip, CTG registration, IUPD, scalp electrode.
Charlotte told me she could try to rupture the membranes with an amniohook but since the sonogram showed low amniotic fluid it could be hard to tell if she has gotten through the sac if amniotic fluid didn’t come out and then she would want to use a scalp electrode, something I had written in my birth preferences I didn't want. So she asked if she had to use the scalp electrode then did I want to remove it, and maybe need to apply another one later, or leave it on baby’s head. I have told Charlotte about this experience when we worked together, how respected I felt, that even if I had to agree to something I didn’t want I could choose the path.
I ended up with the baby getting a scalp electrode. And they gave me time to see if contractions would come. First one hour, then another, then another. Finally they said the next step was pitocin. I don’t remember when Xana arrived, but she did at some point. Her drive to Ystad had taken double the time as it usually does because of all the snow. Before the pitocin could start they placed an intrauterine pressure catheter (IUPC) to make sure I didn’t have too many contractions as there’s an increased risk for uterine rupture when having a pitocin drip and a previous c-section. The dream of having a natural birth seemed to be slipping away and I was starting to think that maybe this birth would end up in a c-section as well.
There was a shift change and a new midwife came, Cecilia. The pitocin drip was started low on 20ml/h, I started having contractions. Xana massaged my feet and gave me head packs. It got intense quite fast. The drip was increased to 40ml/h and then the IUPC stopped working so it had to be removed. The drip had to be reduced and then finally stopped because I had too many contractions in a short period of time. I got sterile water injections that I had loved for my back pain during pregnancy but through labour I didn’t feel they were that helpful. I asked if I could go in the tub as there was a bathtub in the room. Before that Cecilia did a vaginal exam, and if I’m not mistaken my cervix was about 4cm dilated at around 11pm, about two hours before the baby was born. I got into the tub and used the hot water as pain relief. My then partner sat on a chair next to the tub and Xana was close by. I don’t remember if Cecilia ever left, in the pictures I have that Xana took she was there next to us.
After some time I felt like I was ready to give up, I remember looking up at Xana and saying “I can’t do this much longer.” and she responded “Then it’s not a long way to go, you know that.” In my head I cursed her out, but in hindsight it was exactly what I needed to hear. Not long thereafter my body started pushing during the contractions. I fully learned what the natural expulsive reflex feels like, I couldn’t hold back. Cecilia suggested that I get on my knees. My body completely took over. I remember Cecilia saying “I will let the baby come between your legs to you.” And at that moment I didn’t understand that this meant I was about to give birth. All of the sudden I pushed, the baby was in the water, came in between my legs and a set of testicles landed in my hand. “It’s a boy. It’s a boy.” I said surprised. I had been so sure we were having a Zora so my mind couldn’t really process. I thought he didn’t cry and I was worried, but looking back at the video Xana took he did cry and then he was just calm. Very much on brand for his personality I know now.
I sat in the tub for a bit as things were being organized for me to get out. I felt the umbilical cord and said “It’s white.” but no one heard me. I remember feeling a few contractions and giving a light push. When it was time to get out the tub the placenta just splashed out, Cecilia caught it with surprise. I got into the bed and got to look at my baby boy. I had no need for stitches after that birth, but my son was almost 4,3 kilos so I was sore for a couple of weeks.
This birth was such a healing experience for me. To be respected, listened to and approached with care meant a lot. I wasn’t supposed to give birth in water because of the birth being medically induced, but Cecilia respected me and never asked me to get out of the tub. This didn’t just affect me as an individual, but it also taught me how as a midwife you can think outside the box and trust the process.
Years later I met Cecilia at a Spinning Babies training and got to thank her for what she had done, and to my surprise she remembered me. I am so grateful I got to tell her how much her approach affected me and changed so much for me. The way I was treated in Ystad was a huge reason why I decided to apply for a job there later.
My son’s birth healed me. It was a perfect way to give birth for the last time. It healed some of the wounds I had from my previous birth experience and I left feeling empowered, powerful, respected and seen. It was not completely the birth I had envisioned, but it was an incredible experience for me. I am so grateful for how it turned out. And finally our family felt complete. My son was the one that was missing.
