on single motherhood

I started my journey into parenthood single. Growing up in a two parent household I wasn't really sure of what it meant to be the only parent in a household. But even before I ever got pregnant, in my late teens, I had a feeling I was going to be a single mom. I don't know if I ever stopped to think that I couldn't do it, or that it would be too hard. I had friends and family that were super supportive and that helped. 

But a couple years down the line, after burn out, after pushing myself through Nursing school and custody battles I felt lonely. I started to wish for a partner, an adult to share life and its responsibilities with. So when I met the father of my sons and had my first son I felt like my dream had come true. But that relationship broke down over time and I had to make the hardest decision I had ever made in my life. 

I don't believe in the idea of staying together for the kids, but when I was contemplating leaving my sons' father I really understood why people make that choice. Maybe that's why I stayed in the relationship for so long even when I didn't feel happy. It wasn't easy making the decision to end our relationship, for so many reasons. I truly thought we would grow old together. It was hard, so hard, and it is still hard today, almost three years later. 

But in all those hard decisions one thing I knew I would figure out was parenthood. Single parenthood. I had done it before, I could do it again. I knew it would be different having one child on my own to having three, but I knew I could do it. 

Sometimes I think to myself that I'm bad at relationships and that's why single parenthood works for me. But I don't know if it's that simple. Maybe it's a combination of my introverted personality mixed with my need to have a sense of control. When I am the only parent in my household I know what I get. I don't hold the kids to the same standard as an adult so they don't disappoint me. I feel strong on my own, I feel structured, I feel like I can move forward. On the other hand I feel lonely, overwhelmed and tired a lot too. 

I think single parenthood is not for everyone. But for most of my parenthood journey this is what I have known. It is how I came into parenthood. It's where I am right now. And even if I chose to have a partner in the future I think I will always identify as a single parent with a sense of pride.