creating safety

For each person what makes them feel safe varies. But we all function in the same basic way: if we feel safe our nervous system works well and as it is supposed to. When we are in a constant state of stress, fighting/flight/freeze our nervous system is in a state of alert and focused on escaping danger. It’s basic human physiology. 

Over the last year or so I have thought more and more about the things that make me feel safe. How important safety really is and how hard life is when life feels unsafe. And I have thought about who has made me feel safe and why. 

I have also thought about how I create safety for others and how this is a huge part of what I do. And how rewarding it is to create safety for others. 

I sometimes wonder if I create enough safety for myself. I have a tendency to take on too much, I’m a recovering people pleaser, and think that I need to do it all myself. I used to take on stuff and tell myself “I can do this! I can do anything.” But these days I find myself thinking “I can do hard things, but I don’t have to.” And give myself permission to do less and ask for help. 

When I gave birth to my children I created a safe space by bringing people that supported me, who made me feel safe. For my first birth it was my sister. For my second and third it was a Doula (Xana) & my then partner (my sister and I live far away from each other now, otherwise she would have been included). By placing some responsibility of my safety in the hands of other people that I knew I could trust I could relax and give birth. Find safety in the unknown and unpredictable. 

When you prepare for parenthood, ask yourself: what makes me feel safe? Because if you have the answers to this you have a great base to stand on. Safety is important throughout pregnancy, birth and all through parenthood. It may not always be the same, it may change and evolve over time. But I think there’s a strength in understanding what you need and then creating that environment for yourself.